Withdrawal

This is a very personal post. Since this blog is public I usually save the really personal stuff to add in later when I actually download my blog to print to book (seeing as this blog acts as our family history record).  But, I guess I feel like sharing this experience publicly, because maybe someone else has had a similar experience (and can give me pointers)...or maybe they will have this experience in the future and find some sanity in reading this, because right now I do not feel very sane.

Very few people know that I'm on an anti-depressant. I started it (Citalopram-aka Celexa) about 10 months after Gabriel was born (around Apr 2008) because I had some pretty bad postpartum depression. When he was about 20 months I decided to stop taking it (Around Mar 2009), because I figured the post-partum stuff was done with. I didn't have too hard of  a time getting off of the medication (probably because I wasn't on it very long).

Then we moved half way across the country to Ohio, and I missed my family; my mother-in-law moved in with us (which was stressful); I was laid off from job after job and had a difficult time finding another (which meant MAJOR financial stress); experienced a miscarriage, and often-times I self-medicated with food, which meant I put on about 50lbs on my already overweight body. It was a really low point for me, and I just couldn't pull out of it. So, I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed Lexapro along with some cognitive therapy. It took a few months, but things started to improve (mood/coping wise). I've been on the Lexapro for two years now and it has been REALLY helpful for me.

However, I don't want to take it for the rest of my life, so last month I decided to gradually wean myself off of it. I've heard Lexapro (as with other SSRI drugs) can have some pretty rough withdrawal symptoms, so I was kind of bracing myself for a few headaches. The first few weeks there was hardly a noticeable change - I've just had some insomnia, so I thought I was just lucky getting away so easy. But this past week is almost unbearable, perhaps because I'm down to only a half dose once per week.

The first symptom to hit me is what I call "brain zaps." Anytime I shift my eyes or head it's like this rattled dizziness hits me for about 5-10 seconds. Then came the exhaustion - an exhaustion I've never known. It takes every ounce of energy just to stand up. Then there are these flu-like symptoms of horrible body aches, weakness, nausea and migraine level headaches that don't respond to headache medicine. I also feel really foggy and unable to focus (mentally or visually). Mix all that with insomnia and some MAJOR irritability and I just don't even feel human, which means I'm the worst mommy and wife right now. It's horrible, and I just want it to end. The only thing keeping me sane is reminding myself that I won't feel like this forever.

I know with all medications you have to weigh the side effects with the actual treatment, and Lexapro REALLY helped me when I needed it, but this just sucks and I hope I never need to go on it again.